Fear of Failure...

“Life Is Like a box of chocolates, you never

know what you’re going to get.”

~ Forrest Gump ~

Kinzie Street Bridge - Chicago, IL

One of the more notable memories… “Hey kid… don’t come back without a picture!” I remember it like it was yesterday… the good old days of photojournalism.

The crusty, old guard at Gannett Newspapers in the early ‘90’s relished the opportunity to let you know who was in charge. Working as a Stringer (industry name for freelance or part time photographer) didn’t place you high on the food chain among staff and lifers (as I like to call them). You simply hoped to get work each day and in my case, a bias towards sporting events. There was no way of controlling what assignment(s) came your way though, you just picked up what was being offered and went on your way.

Multiple assignment days were a bonus. Because there was a plethora of photographers on staff at the time, I was looking for crumbs. Anything to prove my worth and ability to satisfy… or exceed… the Editor’s request.

Each assignment paid $50 back in 1990 and required you to drive anywhere in the NYC region. Rand McNally maps were imperative as GPS didn’t exist. Allowing for extra time was always smart as getting lost was fairly common. Some of my maps were new, crisp, and full of life while others had signs of wear & tear and coffee stains. These were the experienced maps! Whether old or new, they were the lifeline for schlepping around the NYC region.

When I had to spend time in the office, the one shining star was photographer Warren Inglese. He was the oldest & best shooter on the staff… bar none. His accolades in the Press world were legendary as he was even nominated for the Pulitzer Prize on two occasions. Someone once said, “He shot Heroes (astronauts) and Zeros (brinks robbers)” during his 42 year career. Always willing to help young photographers, he was gentle in offering advice, willing to lend an ear and always good natured in everything he did. In short… a good apple to the core.

It was only after his passing in 2012 at the age of 87 did I learn about his military service in World War II. As a member of the 361st infantry division, he received a Purple Heart and two Bronze Stars for meritorious achievement while fighting in Italy. He was already a legend as a photojournalist, his service to his country elevated him to hero in my eyes.

Garden of the Gods - Colorado Springs, CO

Everything was a challenge in my early newspaper days. Nothing was easy. Henri Cartier-Bresson famously said, “The first 10,000 images are your worst.” Unlike the digital world we live in now, you didn’t burn through film at the same rate and then delete the rubbish. Sharp shooting was an art form and you made every frame count. Getting to 10,000 images was going to take time. Sure… I took pictures as a kid, but shooting at this level where compensation was involved was a different story. If you assume 36 frames per roll of film, it was going to take 278 rolls to get to the obligatory ‘10,000’ images. This seemed like a forever proposition.

I wasn’t exactly sure what happened when you reached 10,001 images, but some type of celebration was certainly in order. If nothing else, you graduated from clueless to novice… and maybe even had a silver bullet next to your name.

In hindsight, I can safely say, none of this transpired. Zero. To this day, I still strive to complete every assignment better than the last one. I compete against myself and push the creativity to make better images. As such, the fear of failure always exists. What if this? What it that? Will the light be right? It never ends. While it can be annoying to think this way, I believe it also makes you a better shooter in the end as you relentlessly try and capture the perfect image.

Tomb of the Unknown Soldier - Washington, DC

I’ve come to realize… and accept… learning is a life long endeavor. It never ends. You have to continuously strive to improve and stay sharp. It’s part of the game. Former Intel CEO, Andy Grove, once said, “Only the paranoid survive.” Although he was referencing he chip industry, I think the same can be said of photographers.

Personally, I’ve always struggled, floundered, stumbled (choose your wording… they all apply) with black & white photography. Sure, I’ve taken my fair share of newspaper images early on. But, everything was in b&w back then so you didn’t analyze the various shades of gray. You simply defaulted to the film of choice and tried to capture the moment. Recording an image was more an end product than art form.

Today, I challenge myself to envision or see the image before it happens. Perhaps a bit idealistic, but proactive just the same. The adage of creating images vs taking pictures is the goal. The latter is easy and I still make this mistake… a lot. But, trying to see in b&w takes patience. Every image can be enhanced in Lightroom after the fact. I’m hoping to capture the essence of the what I’m yearning for in camera and then tweak it in post processing. I still have a long way to go, but signs of progress are slowly starting to emerge.

Until next time…

Cheers